I wish I was really good with words so I could say exactly how I’m feeling. But I’m not, so if this isn’t the most eloquent blog then sorry for that. I haven’t felt this drained in as long as I can remember. I don’t think I remember ever being like this. Teaching is definitely much harder than I thought it would be. Not that it’s not good, cause it is. Just hard. Very hard. Yesterday was the first GREAT day I’ve had, and today brought my count back to zero. Almost every day since day one I wonder if this is really the career for me. So many times I want to just give up because it is so hard. I haven’t cried this much since Mexico! haha! But seriously, it’s awful. The good moments are amazing. But the bad moments are so bad that it makes me question myself. That whole fear of committment thing due to fear of failure keeps popping up lately. I find myself telling myself that if I just don’t care or don’t try too hard than if I fail it won’t matter because I didn’t really put everything into it. But not caring is much harder than caring I am finding out. I can’t help it. I care so much about these kids, even the ones I want to smack upside the head! Because then I wonder what is going on with these kids and their personal lives that they are acting out in class, getting mad over something as little as having to wait to go to the bathroom till the bell rings. One of the teacher’s I work with tells me she just turns it on and off. When she’s at school, that’s school and all its problems are there. But when she goes home she leaves it at school and just doesn’t think about it or anything. That’s great for her, but how in the world do people do that?! With anything?! It is beyond me. I didn’t realize how much teaching would hurt. It’s only been a week and a few days and I already want to fix everything in those kids’ lives. It sucks having to face reality and know that some kids won’t let you help them no matter how much they need it.

And not only school, but having to balance that and everything else in my life. I hate opening up, so this will be hard, but I’ll get over it. Some of you know my dad has skin cancer and has had multiple surgeries so far. I throw myself into work because then I won’t think about my family. My sister and her marriage are falling apart, it makes me sick my niece has to go through that, and my brother is 16. Enough said on his part! I’m so scared that one day my phone is gonna ring and I’m going to have to hear that my dad’s cancer has metastisized and he has only months or weeks to live. Just the thought makes me so sad and literally hurts my heart. I never talk about it because that only makes it more real. If I just don’t think about it than maybe it will go away. I really don’t know how to deal with it. Then I let my imagination run wild and I think about the what if’s. What if I get the phone call and my dad never gets to walk me down the aisle? (I’m clearly not getting married anytime soon!) And never gets to see my kids? And what about my mom? What will happen to her? I go nuts! This is probably the first time I have mentioned these feelings since I first found out. This has been on my heart for a while, and I guess I needed to get it out, and I don’t know why this is actually easier than talking about it to someone.

I would love to end with some great spiritual advice or say that all of this has made me realize whatever it might make someone realize, but I’m not. I can’t. I’m so busy that I forget to read my Bible sometimes and spend time with God. This stuff with my dad isn’t bringing me closer to God because I try not to think about it, which includes praying about it. Not to say that I completely don’t, because I do. It’s just not often, or as often as it should be. I’m trying to get involved in a lot so I don’t have to think about the hard things in life, like my family. Or failing as a teacher. Or the fact that I’m 22 and single as they come and all of my close friends are married or close to that. So maybe God is telling me something. Maybe I need to just let it all go and trust God more. Cling to Him tighter and know that He is good. Know that He has planned an amazing life for me, good times and bad, simply because I put my faith in Him. Maybe none of this is about me, and it’s all about Him and how He could take all of these uncertainties and do something great. Maybe I need to quit worrying about every aspect of my life. Maybe….